Monday, 26 November 2007

Collected Sayings

It's probably futile to record your child's endearing or (unintentionally) humorous utterances, because, like a recounted dream, they are almost guaranteed to underwhelm, or in extreme cases nauseate, your audience. I know this because D is forever "regaling" me with genuis sayings of his two kids, and if he can't achieve a better than 50/50 hit-rate armed as he is with natural storytelling ability and a right pair of nutters for offspring, then there's little hope for the rest of us.

But then what the hell is the point of a blog if not to indulge yourself? B made me grin in the bath tonight by insisting on shampooing his own hair then looking at his hands and saying "look at the state of ME" (resounding silence from the stalls. I know. But he's only three, and and and it was really funny yeah?). Mum's favourite was when they were playing doctors and he decided he needed to take of her shoes for an examination, then exclaiming with a sort of dissaproving wince and shake of the head "those feet..."

Less funny, but quite striking, was our conversation on the swings where B and I fell to discussing his friends at nursery and what they do when they're annoyed. He pulled an expression of downward curved mouth - "this is what Isabella does when someone has made her cross" - then a furious frown - "this is what Archie does when someone makes him cross". What, I asked him, do you do when someone makes you cross? "Catch them in my web". Course you do.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

And Another Two

1) D's got his dad to help out with the plumbing and wiring on their loft conversion. The old man's very good at DIY and all that, and is retired, living with his second wife, having divorced D's mum after having been together since school. D's always been able to laugh at his dad's divorced-man "lifechanges" such as swapping serious classical music for Celine Dion and - still can't quite believe this - holding his knife like a pen after 50-odd years.

But I don't think he was expecting to walk into the loft and find his dad working away on all fours revealing the top of an electric-blue satin thong. He of course retreated silently without comment. What else can you do? It took me about ten minutes to find a way to phrase my question, but I eventually established that D felt it was his dad's own underwear, as opposed to an item he'd chosen to borrow from the missus.

2) D's also been hiring, lately. He has this opposite neighbour who's a bit of a bad lad, hangs out at rough pubs with blokes called things like Brian the Lion (lots of blond hair, y'see). D asked him if he knew any decent plasterers and he said "yeah, I do, guy called Dave The ... Plasterer". Dave The Plasterer gets the job, despite D's wife commenting that he had an awful lot of tattoos. After he's done a day's work, she comments on it again, suggesting that Dave The Plasterer might even be said to sport
"prison ink" on his arms. D, slightly alarmed, takes it up with his neighbour who's actually delighted that they've given him the job because the poor bloke doesn't get so much work these days since being inside... At this point the penny drops and D, suddenly recalling prior stories from the local villains' pub asks "This Dave The Plasterer that's been in my house with my wife and kids while I'm at work ... he's not by any chance the same bloke as Dave The Murderer, is he?" Oh dear.